The kind of pains i thought i had were never that painful until i realised how hurtful it can be when you aggrevate my wound which was in its healing process.
All the tears i cried from the past break ups and the leaving of all the different kind of guys i met, i thought i was sad. But i was wrong, i was never that upset. Because only until today, until now, i finally realised and felt how it really feels to be heartbroken and ... sad.
I bawled till my eyes turned soar, walked down the reservoir at 4am in the morning, weeping to myself, ignoring the presence of the strangers staring at me in the vicinity.
I've honestly, never cried that badly even when he left, ive never felt this painful. And if i remembered, it was difficult then, and now? Im numbed, quite numb.
My heart is dead, i cant think anymore, i dont wanna think anymore. Never been more disappointed, never been so shocked, never been shouted by him, never been maligned and accused, never been wronged. But now i am, and that really hurts, to the extent whereby i dont know how to talk to him anymore, im dont know how to communicate. Everything i said, will be delivered the wrong way, with the wrong tone.
First, he said we had to part due to XXX reasons, then he said we were too different, now, we cant even communicate properly.
Never been more tired, never been more grieved. I give up, i give up trying.
My heart ... is so painful, i cant even feel its pain anymore. I cant feel anything anymore, im so lost...
Its dead .. its not gonna pump again.
B once told me i am a very impulsive and impatient person. I couldnt agree more.
J once told me that im someone who have to know everything and cannot keep an eye close on anything. I totally agree.
I know im rash, I dont think before i speak most of the times. Im just being straight forward, and i didnt realise being truthful was so wrong.
How many times have you been accused of something you didnt do?
How many times where you hurt and cheated by hyprocrites who loves pretending and slash you at your back?
How many times do you wish such people never exist?
These people are all around me, and i seriously hate them. I loathe them to the core.
And i always remember this saying "think about yourself before you criticise somebody else".
If i were to hate someone like this, i cant be who they are. So i tried, really hard, to be as honest and truthful.
And today, i realise being real is also wrong.
I dont know whats right or wrong anymore.
Being me, i hate to kept in the dark about things. Friends, play a very important and significant role in my life.
I treat my friends genuinely, i expect the same treatment from them.
But somehow, i dont get that treatment i thought friends should have.
If this is the case, i rather lose this friend.
I feel so silly, i feel so dumb. And im crying so bad now my tears just keep rolling.
All i wanted, was to be somebody. All i got, was being mistaken all over and over again. If this is already your bias view about me, that im sensitive, and crazy, no matter what i say or do, can never change your mindset.
So whats the point, whats the point of being friends any longer?
I really dont want such a day to come, but it seems like i cant help it anymore.
Today, lets not even be friends. Maybe its only best, for the both of us.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
* mates.
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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